ONCE UPON A TIME …

A little girl decided to choose the path most rocky. This is her story of recovery and self-reevaluation …

When I was a little girl, a fever-induced seizure and the death of my big sister put a great deal of trauma onto my little self. I hadn’t even reached elementary school and already had to watch my entire family grieve and argue.

Not long after starting school, I was taken with a long string of back-to-back Urinary Tract Infections. In and out of the doctor’s office and enough pain and potty breaks to last a lifetime. I would not wish any level of UTI on my worst enemy.

I hadn’t even reached 7 years old and already had multiple layers of ‘life’ stacked on.

‘Life’ didn’t stop stacking it on either …People deal with stress and loss in different ways and anger was often the way it was translated for my father.

From middle school to high school, I can remember running up to my room to distance myself whenever I heard the garage door open. I never knew what type of mood he was going to be in and was always trying to avoid any form of angry outburst.

I will forever remember this one time when we had spaghetti for dinner, and my plate had been slightly slippery. My attention went elsewhere for just a split second, and all of the spaghetti went sliding off the plate and onto the floor in what seemed to be a very slow-motion scene. My father got so incredibly pissed off at that moment as if I had broken a cardinal sin. His anger was always transferred through yelling and ranting and cussing. I was a very well-behaved little girl because I knew what my dad’s rage was like and I wanted no part of it.

As I got older, a lot of the time it left me feeling incapable, inept and stupid. The little things turned into huge things inside my household, and to this day it’s challenging to think about how much of my surroundings turned me into the anxious and depressed little creature I was.

Once ‘adulthood’ came into the picture and it was time to move out, I probably made many decisions that further propagated the stressful surroundings of my youth … a lot of what I allowed into my life that was stressful, simply mimicked what I had become accustomed to while growing up. Almost all of my entire 20’s was centered around more stressful events, poor job choices, sexual abuse, poor relationship choices, verbal abuse, and drug abuse. I’m sure I suffer from mild PTSD because of the choices I made; The decisions I made, having been shaped by a whirlwind of emotional chaos.
Speaking of drug abuse …

yeah, them drugs I’ll tell you what …

I’m so incredibly fortunate to have been able to move away from them with the ease that I did. Not everyone bears the same fate. By the time I was 21, I had experimented with cocaine, Vicodin, and ecstasy, and exposed to meth and crack. I hadn’t ever really attached myself too heavily to any of them until I was introduced to Xanax at 22 …

MY WORLD CHANGED AFTER XANAX …

It was said to me once that everyone has their ‘choice drug’ and I can very well understand why Xanax became my choice, my preference above all others … Literally.

To anyone who has taken Xanax and knows the strength, I was abusing up to 4/5 MG five nights a week by the time I was 23. With Xanax, my inner critic was a ghost, and no issue was worth caring about. I felt free to be as mellow and calm as I always wanted to be. Life was carefree and perilously careless. Many nights were spent in a drugged-out haze with no recollection of how I got home or even cared for myself during the time I was high.

For as good as it made me feel, it didn’t help me care about myself by any measure. I didn’t know what real self-care looked like and as shameful as it is to admit, even just brushing my teeth was overlooked and put off in the same manner as my homework was in high school.

It wasn’t until a series of more stressful life events brought me back home and looking for a change. I was overweight, severely depressed and extremely out of sorts with the world around me. I was no longer happy with the way I had been living my life and started to finally desire more for myself than I had been allowing myself to imagine.

THEN…

after having my resume up on Craigslist for a few days, I got a call from a woman wanting to know if I had ever considered a job as a Budtender …

Four days later, I was starting my renewed life as a Budtender.

Two weeks later, I ate my first 1:1 CBD:THC edible …

Interestingly enough, it felt almost exactly like Xanax …

It felt precisely like Xanax without the blackout induced memory lapses or inner critic vacation. It felt just like Xanax without the groggy, unrested feelings in the morning and the long, drawn-out hours of sleep from being too high. My mood was supported and allowed me to get through each day with a more fresh and focused perspective. My depressive episodes and extreme mood swings decreased immensely, and I was able to focus more on myself and my extended goals for improvement.

Not only did I find the industry that allowed me to be the caretaker and love-giver I was meant to be, but I was also given a better way to help myself deal with my mental health issues. The CBD allowed my nerves to take a long scenic hike to let my brain think with more perspective. The THC provided a high that allowed me to use that perspective to have a more constant inner dialogue with myself and talk myself through difficult situations.

FAST FORWARD TO TODAY …

About Me

I am still high strung and anxious …

I still have days where I get depressed and want to hide from life …

But now I know how to manage myself a bit better and am much more focused on myself and my emotional wellbeing.

I genuinely believe that if it hadn’t been for my first budtending job and my own personal discovery of the powers of THC and CBD, I wouldn’t be anywhere close to the woman, I am today. My body is healthy, my happiness is up, my brain functions more logically. My levels of stress, anger, and depression have all decreased immensely.

I owe a lot to this little plant …

I owe it to the universe to share my experiences and my life with others like me who ail from something and need a little help and reassurance on their own journey.

Diary of a Budtender exists because I have been there.

Diary of a Budtender exists because I care.

Diary of a Budtender exists because I hold value in education.

Most of all … Diary of a Budtender exists because I believe you need to know that you are not alone in this and that whatever curiosities you have, I am here to provide the insight to help you sort through it all.

So, without any further a-due … Welcome to

DIARY OF A BUDTENDER!


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